Posts with tag: "nervous"

Sunday, March 25, 2012
By Cecilia
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The text read "I'm so nervous! I think I'm gonna be sick!"... Jason responded "do it already I want to see it!" geez thanks, don't worry about me, I will be fine..... but that is exactly how I felt right before I published my newest website and posted a picture of my new logo design. Why did I care so much? Why is it such a big deal?...well maybe because I have been working on this for several months and I had been down to the wire trying to finalize everything the last week. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping I was a nervous wreck! My heart beat so loud, and fast, it echoed all over the entire house...well, not really but I felt like I was living in an Edgar Allen Poe poem. My breathing became shallow, and fast, my palms were clammy.... I couldn't believe how sick I was but I did it. I clicked the "publish" button and posted my logo. "What was I thinking? Why did I do this?"... I asked myself once I released it, I felt like adrenaline was pumping through my veins. I needed to calm down because I was going to faint. Not a good idea as I headed out to coach some soccer. I had to think long and hard why these things come so much harder for me and why I care so much. Well, I realized that something changed for me earlier this year. I realized that my photography is my art, my photography is me. I had a light bulb moment when I realized that it is an art work, not everybody is going to love it and that's ok. What matters is that I put my all into it and realize I have a long road of learning and discovery. It is evolving and changing. If you see an artist's lifelong work it's different in the beginning than how they ended. I realized that beauty is not what other people think, but how people see it, how they perceive it or makes them feel. As an artist it takes so much to put yourself out there like that, and into such a vulnerable state. That is why so many artists as great, wonderful and talented as they may be, that vulnerability is unbearable. So, here I am, looking forward to growing, and getting better. Yay! But I ended the week so drained and weak. His words gave me comfort: "Babe, you make me proud!". Really put a smile on my face and made all my worries go away! He decided to take us out and enjoy the kiddos. We ended up at an amusement park and the smile on my kids faces were priceless. I had been glued to my computer for the last week that the phone, internet and facebook were banned. Well actually I sneaked it in while he was on a roller coaster ride....but sshhh! don't tell him. What a great little Saturday we had, because I got a well deserved mental break and be able to be present with my kids and enjoy them, without the words logo, blog, or website in my vocabulary...well at least for a day it was.